4 years ago a flatmate who works at google, installed password sniffing software on my computer, a mirror of my computer was made, and all my computer data was copied onto his server. This was on the pretence that he thought I should have a backup (just in case…). He then refused access to my digital data.
I began to receive spam rape emails from anonymous email accounts and other revolting emails of a sexually violent nature, and google ‘ads’ in my web browser sidebar were sexualised. I began to have many computer problems. The flatmate also tagged himself on my facebook photos that were unrelated to him, and with people in my circle of friends he had never met. During this time, I had several architectural clients internationally, I was working online from home. The flatmate also blocked access to my clients server. Without my clients paying me, I could not pay my bills. A lawyer friend suggested that the apartment I was living in may be ‘bugged’ and that I should probably leave. I also went to the police.
Some computer experts I consulted with suggested that this man may be ‘looking for my nude photos’. I found this very strange, because I had no nude photos (and still don’t), and why would someone go to so much effort for such a thing? It dawned on me, that based on his sneaky behaviour, as suggested by my lawyer friend as I was living in the house, that perhaps, he made is own nude photos of me.
Some of you are saying, so what? Who cares about nude photos?
Well, a sociopath does not stop. If he doesn’t get want he wants, he will seek what he wants another way, at a later date, possibly from another person and may escalate the ‘chase’. Subjugation is power.
This is the problem. This frightening behaviour also made me a target for other predators, who rushed in to assist me. Ever heard of the classic Mafia story whereby a man who owns an Italian restaurant is approached by a ‘consultant’? The consultant offers protection from fire damage to his restaurant. The restaurant owner knows if he doesn’t pay the consultant, his restaurant will be burned. Welcome to the world of the mafia mindset.
This flatmate’s predatory behaviour put me at further risk of other predators. A nice charming man who offered to help me, turned out to be an abusive, violent boyfriend. It also left me wondering whether the computer experts who assisted me also didn’t have their own agenda. Trust was broken.
The laws around digital data at the time did not protect me. The internet is still the wild west of lawlessness. Although I did not have nude photos, it made me afraid that someone had access to all my family information, architectural projects with my clients privacy, bank accounts etc. It also made me aware of the fact that I was not safe in my own home. If my property is stolen on the street, a thief can be prosecuted. If it happens in the home, then it is regarded by the police as a ‘domestic’ issue, something I must resolve myself.
So perhaps now you are thinking that I was naive, therefore I must have ‘attracted the behaviour’. Well, actually, no. I called it out. Many years working on building sites, I certainly know how to call out dodgy behaviour. The law and building contracts were always behind me. In this case it was the people (colleagues/friends/acquaintances) around me who were naive (or chose to be silent), who enabled this man to continue his behaviour, and still do. In the case of any exploitation, particularly sexual exploitation, it is those who turn a blind eye, and enable it to continue and who are the true criminals. A female friend said I should keep quiet about, because, ‘this is a small town’. Yes, really, someone said that to me. This woman has three children, lets hope she doesn’t keep silent if her children are ever exploited.
And, you are also thinking, and possibly smirking, that this will not happen to you. Well, really?
The terrible irony is, violent behavior and predation can be predicted. We just deny it. Have you ever seen a person in the morning rushing along to the bus stop nearby? You can predict by this behavior that he/she is running late for work or an appointment. Simple.
Gavin De Becker, a security consultant to governments, corporations and public figures writes in his book, ‘The Gift of Fear’, about survival signals that protect us from violence. Read this and inform yourselves. Predation has clear body language, behavior, but mostly exploits our denial and prejudices (for example ‘she was asking for it’, ‘she had no money’)
The recent hacking of the private accounts of celebrities has put the topic in the mainstream, pushing forward reform to digital privacy laws. Some of the perpetrators of these crimes will eventually be found and prosecuted, (including the persons/people who did it to me). But what many people don’t understand, is the topic of predation, and sexual exploitation is the most difficult of crimes to recover from psychically and emotionally. It kills your soul. One man’s rage and denial about his own childhood sexual exploitation, feelings of inadequacy can rage on for years, it is one of the biggest problems in society and in my opinion is the root cause of most wars.
Trust is the main thing that ties our society together. Not money, nor resources. Without it, there is chaos, rage, murder, war, hate.
Two separate consultants who helped me, independently both said the same thing, ‘I had a lucky escape’. But the mere thought that someone possibly was so desperate to do this to me is truly frightening. The celebrities who have been exploited in this ‘nude pictures scandal’ have lost the most valuable things in society, and that is innocence, respect, empathy and trust. Their beauty is not to blame, but your hatred and ignorance is.
Links:
Gavin de Becker, ‘The Gift of Fear’
Joe Navarro, ‘spycatcher’ on Psychology Today and twitter
Huffington Post, ‘we need to talk about privacy’
alpitecture 
So very sorry you had to go through that.
Thank you for sharing. It is so important to speak out loud about this topic.